Most parents want what’s best for their children, whether they’re young or old, rich or poor, married or divorced. Parenting books promise to show us how to address the difficult decisions that parents face every day and how to achieve the best outcomes and these books share one consistent message: If our child isn’t succeeding, we’re doing something wrong.
But the science supports a totally different and ultimately empowering message: Trying to predict how a child will turn out based on choices made by their parents is like trying to predict a hurricane from the flap of a butterfly’s wings.
First, know that parents do matter. Second, know that how parents matter is complex and difficult to predict. Third, appreciate how powerful your moments with your child can be because of what they mean for you both right now, not because of what they mean for your child long-term, which you cannot know.
For anyone who’s ever been a parent: Stop blaming yourself as if you’re in control of your child’s path. You have influence, but you don’t have control.
For anyone who’s ever been a child: Stop blaming your parents, or at least stop thinking you must be defined by them.
And stop blaming other parents. A recent survey of thousands of parents revealed that 90 percent of mothers and 85 percent of fathers feel judged, and close to half of them feel judged all or nearly all the time by people they know and by complete strangers. Even when parents do their best, they can’t satisfy everybody. There’s only so much time.
