Have you ever had an emotion that felt ‘too much’, or feared that your feelings would overwhelm you? While emotions have an adaptive purpose – to help us stay safe, make decisions, communicate, and build social bonds – there are times when they become so strong that their intensity hurts. Some people experience intense emotions more frequently, but painful emotions are part of being a healthy human. It is normal to feel large amounts of emotion in response to difficult events such as an illness, the death of a loved one, the end of a significant relationship, or struggling to make ends meet. Therefore, having healthy, safe strategies to soothe painful emotions is very important and this is something I spend a lot of time helping clients with: here are 5 examples:
1. Engage your senses – This is an act of mindfulness; pausing and tuning-in to our body, surroundings, and what is happening in the here and now helps with concentration skills, and brings awareness, sharpening our observational abilities. If you’re sad or anxious, try recreating a fragrance you associate with comfort or safety (is nothing springs to mind you could try spraying diluted lavender or vanilla oil onto a tissue). Experiment with looking carefully at leaves or flowers during a walk, and try savouring something fresh, such as a juicy piece of fruit. Explore textures to see what you find soothing; prop a cushion behind your back when you’re writing a stressful email. Play around with sound, it may be that the chatter of the radio soothes you, or the sound of birdsong, or some classical baroque music.
2. Delve into a story – Stories can take us temporarily into the minds of others, and to diverse locations, providing a short break from whatever is going on in our lives. For some of us, stories involving crime, war, or horror can exacerbate fear, guilt, or sadness – so genres involving romance, fantasy, comedy, or nature may be more soothing options. Undoubtedly, the cognitive effort needed for reading a book or processing narrative twists can be difficult when emotions are intense, but audiobooks of familiar or childhood stories may be able to offer escapism more easily, and without any jarring surprises. Travel vlogs on YouTube can also be a fun way of momentarily exploring interesting landscapes or cities.
3. The power of temperature – Have you ever felt either uncomfortably hot or miserably cold during times of painful emotions? Sometimes, restoring balance to our temperature helps bring us closer to emotional equilibrium. If you’re feeling chilly, relating to deep sadness, consider taking a warm shower, and snuggling up with a hot water bottle. Conversely, if you’re too warm, maybe due to shame or anxiety, put a damp face cloth in the freezer and then gently rest it over the back of your neck or your brow. Alternatively, try soaking your feet in a bowl of cold water, and see if that settles you.
4. A perfect, safe place in your mind – Imagine you’re visiting a location that makes you feel safe and comfortable. It might be somewhere you know well, a place you have been to in the past, seen in a film, or an entirely made-up place. Some of us find it tricky to visualise a scene in detail, if that’s you, try browsing Pinterest or Instagram to gather inspiration for how it might look, feel, and sound. The more detail you can generate, the more vivid your mental picture will be. “Perfect safe place” imagery is very helpful for trauma and anxiety – a great grounding technique to remind us that we have experienced safety, feelings are transient, and to give a sense of control as it’s our place to choose to go to.
5. Make a list, and then put the list away – Painful emotions are often amplified by anxious thoughts (‘what if…’, ‘I don’t know how…’), not to mention a ‘to do’ list that feels unmanageable. List all the thoughts bothering you, and all the jobs preying on your mind. Then put the list out of view and take a break from ruminating, planning, or solving. When your mind wanders to your worries or tasks, gently tell yourself they are safely recorded, and you will take care of them when you’re ready.
Once painful emotions start to subside it’s amazing how quickly worries can dissolve and everyday tasks can seem manageable and personal goals achievable.
