There are many ways that sleep problems can set us on a path toward a rocky relationship. Making sound decisions, being in a good mood most of the time, reining in some of our bad moods or irritability, problem solving, communicating effectively, tolerating frustration, practicing empathy — these are all important skills for cultivating and maintaining a healthy relationship. And these are also all the things that go south when we’re low on sleep. When these are in short supply, we often take it out on our partner. Also, chronic sleep loss or disturbed sleep can trigger a host of emotions that can send us on a spiral of relationship-damaging behaviours as sleep plays a powerful role in how we experience and regulate our emotions.
Studies have shown that when sleep was restricted to five hours per night for a week, participants showed a progressive increase in negative emotions (e.g., anger, sadness, frustration, irritability), with each successive night of sleep restriction, and that sleep loss led not only to increases in negative emotion but also decreases in positive emotion. If we’re deprived of sleep, this can feel like a double whammy of contempt and criticism for our partner which can leave them feeling lonely, vulnerable, and attacked, which, of course, can then lead to defensiveness or counterattack. Not a great recipe for relationship bliss.
Decades of relationship research has confirmed that conflict itself is not necessarily a sign of relationship doom or distress — it’s perfectly normal/healthy to have some level of conflict in relationships. It’s about how we engage in conflict with our partner that matters: when one or both partners are not well-rested, hostile conflict is more likely to occur and minor squabbles can turn into major rifts. Unfortunately, sleep-induced loneliness is contagious. Within couples, this can lead to greater emotional distancing and a lack of connection with our partner.
And, beyond the relationship blow-ups and communication shifts, lack of sleep hurts our social brains and can make us feel alone in the world, socially withdrawn and anxious. Just reading this may make you feel anxious or panicky, as I describe the relationship harms that could be caused by sleep loss, but the last thing any of us needs is yet another reason to keep us up at night! So, rather than worrying about the consequences of sleep loss, is it time to start prioritizing sleep as a mutual goal within your relationship?
