What we sometimes see as indelible traits in ourselves or others may be no more than habitual defensive techniques, unconsciously adopted. People often identify with these habituated patterns, believing them to be an indispensable part of them. They may even harbour self-loathing for certain traits – for example, when a person describes herself as ‘a control freak’. But really there is no innate humane inclination to be controlling. What there is in a ‘controlling’ personality is deep anxiety. The infant and child who perceives that their needs are unmet may develop an obsessive coping style, anxious about every detail. When such a person fears that they are unable to control events, they experience great stress. Unconsciously they believe that only by controlling every aspect of their life and environment will they be able to meet their needs. As they grow older, others may resent them, and they may come to dislike themselves for what was originally a desperate response to emotional deprivation. The drive to control is not an innate trait but a coping style, and when understood with compassion and kindness, can be released.
